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When I was 27 I started seeing a guy (let’s call him Brad), who was 10 years my senior. I was infatuated, revering Brad as the most wonderful guy I’d ever met, let alone dated. One of them was an ex he’d parted ways with over two decades ago. My first “real” boyfriend in college who I had been with for two years had once blubbered while we watched Jules et Jim because it was his ex’s favorite movie — an ex who left him because he’d cheated.
In earlier generations the joke (and it was so true) was that men would not stop and ask for directions when lost.
They would drive for hours, lost, but refuse to ask for help and instead try to find where they needed to go on their own. GPS has changed that, but you get the point: Guys don't like to be vulnerable or appear weak.”The good news is that this is beginning to change.“Our culture has shifted and men have been socialized to be more open and vulnerable,” says Coleman. Society has a ways to go in all things gender equality, and that includes emotional honesty and exploration for men.
“The pain is still there, to be sure, but it typically doesn't last as long because women intuitively know what the magnitude of the loss will be if things don't work out.”In all this dissecting, it’s important to note that men are not less emotional than women, but rather they may be less equipped with emotional support. Richard Matzkin, a former men’s therapy group leader and the author of "Loving Promises: The Master Class For Creating Magnificent Relationship," asserts that it’s more a matter of women “being more in touch with their emotions” and more “emotionally durable."Traditionally, society encourages women to talk about their relationships with one another, while men are often encouraged to “man up,” as it were, and not submit to feelings. Is it any wonder they may bubble up years later when they’re trying to love again?
This same thinking — that men should buck up — can also dissuade men from seeking counseling or therapy or even, simply, deep conversations with other men.
And not to his high school sweetheart, but to someone he probably met after we dated (but not long after).
I went to her Instagram looking for answers to impossible questions like “Why her and not me?
Recently I asked my fiancé (miraculously, I landed a guy who pines after me!
) and he agrees with this sentiment, adding that were it not for therapy, he probably wouldn’t have met me because he probably wouldn’t have gone on to Ok Cupid (it works!
What was particularly befuddling was this: They weren’t just sad or missing someone or even recognizing that they maybe weren’t ready to move on, they seemed to be still processing the sheer fact of the breakup — even if the breakup had been eons ago.
These guys weren’t lovesick; they were shell-shocked.
Once, I literally held a man while he wept over an ex, all the while silently begging the universe to make him some day love me the way he loved her.Tags: Adult Dating, affair dating, sex dating